‘I will not be here on my next birthday.’
Birthday is my favourite holiday. Not just mine, everyone’s. This is the one day when you can really be the center of the universe.
Exactly this time last year, even though birthday is a joyful occasion, I had rather gloomy birthday and not so pleasant wish.
One year later. Tomorrow is my birthday.
Did my wish come true?
Well, physically, I’m still here. The place I made the wish.
Though, I can proudly say, it did.
The reason why I determined myself was because I wanted to be happy. What’s the point to do anything, if you are not happy? Yes, I wasn’t happy. However, it was me, who made the choice in the intersection of the life, so I didn’t want to regret and beat myself up with it. But I failed. I couldn’t fool myself anymore. Happiness cannot be given. I’m reading The Geography of Bliss at the moment, and yes, some of the foundation is given without your will, but individual makes the greater possibility. Like the author said, “We can stretch ourselves in new and rewarding ways.”
So, I took a leap. For my happiness. To make my life more meaningful. Wherever the direction was, either forward or backward, or even parallel, I did it.
From working in the office 12 hours a day and blogging at night to blogging and social networking all day, from wearing suit and high heels everyday to wearing jeans and sneakers, from reading ASME code book to reading The Geography of Bliss, sitting in the dark and stuffy office to working wherever I want and from getting a big fat paycheck every month to nervously checking my PayPal account. Everything changed, and this has been a wonderful journey.
Well, I’m scared. Everything scares the crap out of me more than anything in my life.
The reason? The uncertainty.
I’m scared because I’m worrying about; what if I fail.
What if I fail while making all the choices? I don’t have a job security anymore. Everything is on me and frankly, I’m not sure if I can afford failure. What if I’m not that talented as I thought I would be? What if I’m really not a special person at all just like my own father said?
As a traveler, I consider what I do is a journey to find the place I can call ‘home’. Finding the place I feel like home, and be with the person who completes the place as a home. What if I can’t find any of them?
What if sometime later when I look back this very moment, and realize this was the biggest mistake of my entire life? What can I do then?
Though, this is not me, insecure person who are overly worried about everything. I’m a believer. This is the greatest quality I have. That’s why I could take a big step without questioning myself. I believe serendipity. I believe the goodness in people. And I believe, although universe works in mysterious ways and sometimes kicks my ass, it is wishing my well-being. I truly do.
In a good day, I know the uncertainty is the very aspect what makes life exciting and pumps my adrenaline. I like being the person who can say ‘No’ when everyone says ‘Yes’.
On the contrary, the fact that I can’t sure anything in my life becomes the biggest fear in a bad day. And questioning myself; why can’t you be just normal?
The fear, the worries fluctuate every single day, several times a day. But I know the answer to be happy: trust myself. For last 27 years, I hide my natural shyness and always be the one who was strong and confident because I had to. Maybe I was pretending to be a strong one because I was uncomfortable with a lot of pressure and the decisions that weren’t truly mine. I feel like now I am truly living my life based on my own decision. Previous roads I was walking on were perfectly fine and okay, because in the end, I was the one who choose the path. But I know now that was not entirely ‘me’.
Everyday is a good day and a bad day, but I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to have this confusing time. It’s giving me a hard time, but not everyone is having the transition time, or worrying about their uncertain future while doing what they really want. Or even the opportunity to try what they want to do. Most of the people, at least most of the people I’ve met were too scared to even try.
Life is just like Schrödinger’s cat: it can be either good and bad, and you can’t really know it is or it isn’t unless open the box. Everyone has uncertainty. Maybe this is nothing to do with your choices. You’d never know this will lead you to the right destination. Only time will tell. And how you are building the path, that’s what makes a better future.
So, am I really happy?
In a big picture, I can say, yes I’m happy to have this opportunity to walk on the road I truly want. I’m happy for the fact that I’ve tried, and am trying. The fear will be cracked in the future, and the answer will be still unknown for a while, but all I can do is trust, be grateful, and try what I can do. Just like I said on my last birthday’s tribute, do is better than not do even if I fail. I’m happy to sitting at the cafe, and writing this post with a cup of coffee that is cold now because I was here for 4 hours.
So, I’m wishing myself happy birthday and enjoying the uncertainty and the journey ahead.
I bought myself a hat last birthday. For this birthday, I will buy myself a one way ticket.