Guess where am I?
Yes, I’m back in Seoul, Korea. After three months of thinking, writing, talking, eating, driving, laughing, crying, hiking, drinking, cooking, exploring… and I’m back.
It has been 5 days since I left the United States’ property, and 2 days since I got back in Seoul. Flight was excruciatingly long and complicated. By the time I landed on Incheon Airport, I was the symbol of exhaustion.
If you noticed, I haven’t updated any stories yet. Even though I was trying to up to date my experiences wherever I was going, I still have a lot, a lot of stories and photos to share with you. But I couldn’t. Why?
I believe we all feel a bit of emptiness whenever one trip is over; no matter how short or long it was. Things are not interesting anymore. So there was a bit of this, but it was just like a tip of iceberg.
I’m hibernating. I am not so proud of myself right now. For not doing things that I am supposed to do. I feel like two-headed man, fighting each other. And I’m punishing myself for that.
What is bothering me?
I worked so hard to move forward before I left. To follow my passion. Leaving the job was not exactly easy thing to do, and all the conflict with every single person near me wasn’t helpful either. Coming back, sitting here, it feels like a setback. Instead of stepping forward to make my own way, I’m back here and moping like I was before I left. It is synchronized with what’s left here.
I know that’s not true. I know I’m not stepping backward, it’s not the same situation as before. I’m just preparing for my next expedition and doing what I have to do for people who matter in my life. I’m helping out my family’s moving, I visited my grandmother and will celebrate my brother’s birthday tomorrow. Even though I know all that, I can’t help to think that I’m stepping backward. That’s why ‘coming back’ is a hard subject for many of us travelers.
Moreover, the situation changed completely. The environment. I know I’ve been living here for most of my life, but I don’t enjoy how people communicate here. Just a week ago, I was surrounded by inspiring people, and people who I can talk to, but not anymore. That was why I got involved with travel blogging two years ago in the first place, to share travel stories with other people. I know still there’s lots of readers and friends are out there waiting for me to share more travel stories, but the change of the environment is not easy for me to embrace right now. Because it’s negative change and I feel lonely. I feel like no one to talk to, and perhaps that’s true.
Like I said in one of my article in the past, it takes courage to call it a day. It’s not easy to admit that you are weak, venerable or a quitter. Because those are negative characters that you don’t want to admit that you have. But, nobody can be super strong all the time. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. My conclusion, of the reason why I’m having such a hard time ever since I got back is because I’m punishing myself. My heart is aching to not be where I want to be and not be with someone I want to be. But my brain knows that there’s no reason to be sad. So they are fighting over my body and spirit. And to be fair, there’s 13 hours of time difference I’m dealing with.
I know there’s no reason to be sad. Nobody forced me to coming back (well, VISA did). And I know this is not the end. It’s just emotional thing. While I’m suffering from whatever the reason, my brain is keep yelling at me ‘what’s wrong with you?’ But we have to remember that whatever the reason is, it’s okay to be sad and mopy and tired a little while. It means we are human.
So, now I anatomy my problems, did I decide to forgive myself to be not productive enough or be someone that I am supposed to? Well, it’s easier said than done. But I’m working on it.
Yes, coming back isn’t exactly a shining and bright moment of my life, but because this is a necessary step for my next move, I will up and running soon. Very soon.
I keep reminding myself, it’s okay.