Precisely this time last year, I was badly longing for certainties. Funny, I escaped from tightly packed certainty and the possibility of having a secure job for next 40 years that was choking me for two years, but yet again, I wanted it. It is just a matter of dosage, I presume. Ever since I announced my ‘Bucket Living’ lifestyle, I was constantly balancing the scale of enjoying life and scared of the uncertainties. For my entire life, I never not know my future, at least about the big ones. I knew what I wanted to choose science over literature in high school (Korean high schools are usually divided by two groups: science and literature), I knew I was going to get the Master’s Degree, and I knew I was going to work at the engineering company for many more years. But when I changed my life’s direction, the vision of my future became murky. Some say that’s the joy of living, not knowing things, but frankly, that frightened me.
Making career as a travel blogger (and a freelance writer & photographer) wasn’t as easy as I thought. Just like learning wine, there were more things to learn when I got to know more, and it made me realized how much I didn’t know as I learned. I knew this would be the cost of following my passion into the bush of unknown, but it doesn’t meant that it is any easier because I suspected it before. Knowing and feeling are different. Because of the uncertainties at both career and relationship, my last year was like riding a rocking life boat. I enjoyed the beauty of the world I’ve never seen before, taking opportunities as it came along, but suffered by the uncertainties of the further future at the same time.
Many months later…
Last week when I finished booking my flight ticket, it hit me; I have plans until the end of the year. It was only May, but I knew exactly what I’ll do until December. ‘It’s new’ I thought. While I was juggling between planning future projects, and day to day travels in Sri Lanka, I haven’t realized that it happened. I do have a plan until this winter, crossing continents for traveling and visiting families.
I was never good at living just day-to-day. I’m more driven by big projects, plans, and inspirations. I’m fast-pased, and impatience in certain things. Seize the day doesn’t mean much to me if I don’t have a goal in near future. That’s who I am. For about two years of calibration, I finally found the magic combination. I guess I was afraid of being more proactive.
Chance of failure? Fear of left alone? Limiting the chance of going separate ways? Maybe. Failure is a strong word.
I’m planning a big project, that I want to open in November. Naturally, I needed to figure out my plans for the project. I have a couple plans to visit family in the mean time. Tour Asia is still ongoing. There are many things are happening right now, and I’m comfortably figuring them out.
The pleasure of planning things out; I finally conquer it for the first time after I quit my previous job. Of course, I still have a long way to go. Have plan for next seven months is just a start. I wanted to create my future with my own passion, and here I am, doing exactly what I wanted to do.
When I was afraid of uncertainties, I found this quote through my good friend.
When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.
– Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
I’m on my way to be comfortable at uncertainty, but also I want to make a good balance of taking chances and planning my future. It will be interesting to see how it goes.
The pleasure of planning things out, do you enjoy it too?
